I Sometimes Dare Say Conspiracy. Like, er... Lizard People?

Cray cray to the max, right? Or maybe not….

I jest? Or do I not?

I tend to chuckle at or be horrified – often both – by the conspiratorial delusions of way too people within the current zeitgeist.

Don’t get me wrong: There are some conspiracies that I am either convinced or highly suspicious that, based on intelligent research into the evidence, are all too real. Such as the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. But actual conspiracies are the exception rather than the rule.

These days a blizzard of wackadoodle conspiracy theories crawl around through the Internet and public consciousness like an infestation of cockroaches. And burrow into the beliefs of gullible souls like the worm into RFK Jr’s brain.

One if the biggest and most niggling is, of course, that the 2020 presidential election was stolen. The COVID pandemic inspired a slew of them: that the virus was cooked up in a lab and released to take control of the rabble, and that devoted public servant and immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci is an evil, lying danger to public health, in on the plot. And that’s just some of the soft-core conspiratorial kookiness from the demented wrong wing.

Image by 1tamara2 from Pixabay

I submit for your (rational and empirical) consIderation further looney tunes: Like Marjorie Trailer Trash Greene’s Jewish Space Lasers. (Uh... why didn’t Israel use them against Hamas to pinpoint and wipe out its leaders rather than wanton wholesale destruction that cost, to date, nearly 35,000 Palestinian lives?). Or the notion of QAnon and the bonkers QGrams. Or anyone who believes that the January 6 insurrection was little more than tourist visit by true patriots to the Capital and not a bonkers rampage by people behaving like they were attendees of MethFest 2021 on a field trip (the video evidence the rioters themelves provided supports the facts of their vile desecrations).

Then for some real bad-acid conspiracy theories there’s flat-Earthers, those who insist the 1969 moon landing was staged, mass shootings are false flag events staged with crisis actors, chemtrails are" “chemical or biological weapons, sprayed for nefarious purposes,” as Wikipedia explains. and that Finland does not exist.

Which leads us to a conspiracy that, at first blush, seems like mental mania that’s parsecs beyond rationality and reality: The Lizard People. Headlined by Vox as “the greatest political conspiracy ever created,” it posits that lizard-like shape-shifting aliens from the constellation Draco (and/or maybe Sirius or Orion) waddle among us, occupying positions of great political, economic and cultural power (and pulling the levers behind such good ole conspiracy standbys as the Freemasons and the Illuminati).

Fluffernutter to the max, right? Yet according to a 2013 survey by Public Policy Polling, some four percent of Americans believe in lizard people, and seven percent were unsure. That’s about 12 million of our fellow citizens. As for me, well… the theory does seem to explain behaviors and attitudes that I otherwise find humanly inexplicable.

Who are these Lizard People? Those who entertain this notion name as forked-tongue agents of evil from outer space such luminaries as the late Queen Elizabeth II, Bill and Hillary Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Henry Kissinger, Madonna, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie and Bob Hope (really? Bob “Texaco” Hope?). I do have to wonder if by dint of name alone Lizzo also makes this list.

Being acquainted with how conspirators operate, I suspect these accusations are just disinformation spread to deflect attention from and protect the real Lizard People, chaff that helps them evade our radar. To assist all of you who might be concerned about this slimy-skinned cabal, one big hint that signals true Lizards up to their dastardly tricks: inhumane cold-bloodedness.

Right now, that surely identifies puppy and goat murderer Kristi Noem as 100% Lizard. She also is a prime example of another telltale sign: Lizardian looks. The puffy lizard lips (often aided by snake venom). Plus spackled-on make-up to hide the scales.

Lizard looks are all the rage at Mar-a-Lizardo

Best reference female creature for Lizard ID: Kimberley GulfOil. Other likely Lizard People include Rudy Ghouliani and Elon Muskrat, and both Greene and her rival Lauren Bozobert. The heartless actions and policies of Texas Governor Greg Abbutt tag him as a Lizard; perhaps the real reason he’s in a wheelchair is that he can’t stand upright without his tail. Fellow goober guv Ron DeSatan and his wife show major reptilian signs.

The MAGA movement is suffused with the scaly alien invaders. Examine their policies, positions and public pronouncements – cold blooded to the max, devoid of any humanity. Right there are some dead giveaways. Plus, all of those I have just outed pooh-pooh the threat of global warming. Because lizards like it hot.

And of course, there’s Lord Lizard himself: Donald J. tRump. Anyone with brains, rationality, the ability to discern legitimate reporting from lies and propaganda as well as a sense of morality can easily find near-countless examples of his cold-blooded inhumanity. Like his recent boast that he’ll execute every death row prisoner if he gets in office again. He is, as the Lucinda Williams song goes, a “Man Without a Soul.” Because he’s a Lizard whose origins are from somewhere far removed from Planet Earth.

And look at him: The splotchy fake tan and other cosmetic applications to hide his scales. Perhaps his load of junk in his rump is his lizard’s tail tucked into his diapers, which he needs, as Lizards poop without any control.

This suggests that Lizard Peoples’ shape shifting isn’t all that efficient. And as they age and decline, it starts to crumble. Not just physically but mentally. A quick Google search yields numerous clips of Donnie Dementia’s fumbling command of the spoken word, and downright bizarre sidetracks into stuff like praising Hannibal Lector as a helluva great guy (uh, not what the fictional character’s creator intended).

Let’s even throw in how the Geico Gecko’s cockney accent makes lizards seem cute and charming. Maybe propaganda to soften the blow of meeting our new lizard masters?

I’m starting to make at least a plausible case here, right?

Dig into this parlor game of who the Lizard People are and you’ll soon surely identify others, thanks to my analysis, that are not quite hiding in plain sight.

You can all thank me now for the warning. Or later, though not so late that America is renamed Lizardia. The loyal resistance needs all of you. Preferably now.

And if I should perish under questionable circumstances soon after publishing this, consider it another sign that I have cracked the code of this conspiracy.